I have one more moment from "The Bear" season 3 worth discussing. Throughout the season, Carmy is haunted by flashbacks about working at a restaurant in New York under the direction of Chef David Fields, who regularly insults and abuses him. He sees Fields at a goodbye party for a (far more beloved) chef closing down her restaurant, and Carmy feels the need to confront him.
After explaining a bit how awful he was to him and the trauma he felt working under him, Fields replies “you’re welcome.” He then elaborates that Carmy began work for him as an ok chef, but left as an excellent chef.
Here’s the full scene, if you so desire to watch:
This storyline is a wonderful dramatization of Nietzsche’s concept of amor fati, or love of fate. I’ve never been a huge fan of that phrase, actually, because I don’t like the word fate. It gives the impression that there’s some predestination part of it. I think it’s better described as love of narrative.
The idea is that whatever path your life is on at this moment is due to everything that happened up until then in life. So nothing that happens in life can be considered bad, it is inherently good because you are still alive and, in some way, thriving. I hadn’t seen amor fati dramatized with characters before, as in every memorable person in life--even those who touch off traumatic memories--serves a valuable purpose. I admire “The Bear” for staging this.
I’ve been thinking about this way of viewing people in my Montaigne project recently, and it’s a very interesting frame for evaluating what you get from people and what you desire from them. Everyone with a lasting role in your life is giving you something important that is shaping your narrative. It’s important to recognize and understand exactly what you are getting from the relationship as it is.
But your life is also influenced by your desires about what roles people could or should take up in your life. The actions you take, and what you think, is shaped often by what you wish for in others. This too, even when the result is frustrating or falls short of your hopes, is important to your life as it is.
Desire is important, not because it points us towards a goal the ego must attain, but because it awakens things inside that need to come out. We should be grateful for our desires, especially the unattained ones, because they keep us moving forward.
And when people leave our lives and no longer have that day to day influence, they sometimes leave those desires behind, which continue to influence us, until one day they don’t. At that point, the person no longer has a meaningful role in your story and can be written out, safely and quietly.
