6/8/24
I didn’t intend to write something more on this subject – or continue what I’ve been writing the last couple of days — but it occurred to me this morning that there’s an apparent contradiction between all of the theory I dumped in my massive anima and animus essay and the way I’ve been describing my feelings lately.
Wasn’t I saying in the anima and animus piece that, when this type of connection happens, that love is an illusion, something that is almost spiritual in nature, taking on erotic disguise? Didn’t I quote Jung as saying that these are not personal experiences, but collective ones? And I didn’t I explicitly state that no one should date their anima?
Well, yes, I did write all of these things and I’m not disavowing any of them. But this is a good opportunity to point out something that I mentioned only in passing in that essay — nearly ALL heterosexual relationships begin in this state. What Jung is pointing out is that the concept of soulmates, or finding true love, is a misunderstanding of our experience, that our psyches are seeking out something to make them whole and the person in front of us is being projected upon to provide that. Whether the relationship ultimately succeeds or fails has nothing to do with the depth of your feelings when under the anima/animus spell.
So your psyche is screaming out to you, I’m done living this way, I need to change, and all of a sudden this person appears who embodies that change and you find the internal means to move to a new phase in your life. It’s absolutely true that you probably never needed this other person to do that, you were simply summoning qualities within yourself.
My last essay actually makes this exact same point. A significant wound that I needed to heal was this sense that I needed to have a partner to help me get through life. It didn’t need to be a perfect partner, just anyone to make me feel I wasn’t in this alone. This led to a long series of compromises in life that were bad for me. The anima, in this case, helped me understand that I didn’t need a romantic partner in my life, I was fully capable of handling my responsibilities and could do so while following my own path. To this extent, I fully follow Jung and have used my anima wisely.
But in the process of this discovery and growth, I’ve learned something that‘s surprised me. While it’s true that I can thrive on my own, I also experienced for the first time what a genuine partnership might feel like for me. Letting go of this fear of aloneness made possible this discovery that, fully centered in my own wants and abilities, I can find a pairing that not only suits me, but makes me a better person.
For me at least, my anima turned out to have other qualities that appeal to me on a completely different level. I guess I would think of my situation as an anima-plus. And so, as I concluded in the last essay, I have not made another compromise choice or desired a projection, but have come across someone who has qualities that seem to fit where I am in my life right now.
Now, of course, this doesn’t entitle me to this person and, if nothing else, it sets the standard for what I should be looking for in a romantic partner if I choose to go there in the future. But either way, I don’t believe I am falling into the classic trap of falling for my anima. I believe I fully understand the wound my anima helped to heal and I give her credit for that regardless of what else happens in my life.