Dekalog 4 takes on a difficult subject matter, but it has universal meaning. The father-daughter element makes viewers squeamish. But the relationship between Anka and Michal could also be viewed as a stand-in for any impossible relationship surrounded by longing.

Longing is the most difficult feeling because it pits our emotions against our reason. Often we can’t identify exactly what we want when we long. If the object of longing is a person, all we know for sure is that we want that person to take up more space in our life. But in what way? For how long? And who must be pushed aside to clear that space?

No matter what we might think about the situation of Dekalog 4, we have to admire Anka and Michal for their honesty and willingness to describe their feelings so precisely. We also have to remember, there’s no acting out in this episode. This raises a central truth in life that we often overlook — people often jump to sex simply to avoid discussing what makes that sex desirable and possible. In most cases, that’s fine. But sex can be both a healer and destroyer and in the latter situations, an inability to have those difficult discussions is what leads to long-term harm.

So, no matter the ick factor of this episode, we have to view Anka and Michal as deeply ethical people. They are brave enough to confront the feelings that might otherwise drive them into despair.

The last scene was saved by a bell — the ringing doorbell, which Michal gets up to answer. It’s Adam again, this time dropping off some kind of drawing for Michal. Adam notices the broken glass on the door, leading Anka to say “apparently it was a draft.” Adam says uh-huh. Then Michal goes to get a tube of some balm that he hands Adam, who opens the cap and sniffs it. It’s apparently some kind of baldness treatment. He tells Anka that it works and points at the few strands of hair over his dome to prove it. He makes Michal feel the top of his head.

Adam now remarks that they have been drinking vodka. Michal seems to feel obliged to offer him some, so he pours shots for all three. There’s an odd vibe to the room now that Adam is there, as if he’s walking in on something and wants in on the action. Adam wants to begin a discussion with Anka, asking her when she graduates and what big dreams she has. But Anka is not up for this and retreats to her room.

There, she crashes on her bed, (a massive Winston cigarettes ad serving as wallpaper in her room — so strange.) She takes off her pullover and nearly removes her shirt, but stops halfway, leaving her mid-rift bare. She nearly in tears. She crashes head first into a pillow. A few moments later, Michal enters the doorway. Anka tells him to go join his friend. After Michal says he’s gone (not surprising, he seemed most interesting in Anka’s company) Anka tells him to go after him, he obviously wants to talk to him more than her. She then covers her ears and yells “I won’t listen!”

He sits down beside her, notices her bare midsection, briefly considers touching it, but instead pulls up her shirt to cover her. Michal tries to comfort her, but Anka refuses. She asks to be left alone. He leaves.

Michal picks up the letter and starts looking at its form. Anka comes back in and asks what he is afraid of — her or himself? He doesn’t answer. Anka says there’s no need to be afraid, she’s going to get married.

Now the phone rings — another timely interruption. Michal tells her to get it. Anka says why don’t you pick up, it might be Krysia or Marta (who we learn shortly are women Michal has dated.) Michal says “Or Jarek” and tells her to pick up. It’s Jarek on the phone, she gets rid of him quickly (perhaps to demonstrate to Michal how he should have handled the Adam intrusion.) Michal asks if her fiancé is aware that he’s engaged yet. Anka says no, but I’ve talked to his mother.

Michal asks if she’s afraid and Anka asks if he wants to talk. He finally seems ready to. Michal says that running away or getting married won’t change anything. She repeats what she said before — that when in bed with someone else, she felt like she was betraying him. He quickly responds “I never felt that.” Anka then says that they should set a groundrule: if either tells a lie and the other catches them in it right away, they need to follow up with the truth. Anka calls him out on this answer and he agrees that it’s not true, he did feel it too.

What comes next is the most important moment in the episode, where Michal explains the contours of their relationship. He gives her complete freedom, she does what she wants, and he pretends that it doesn’t matter to him. One would natural define this as a paternal stance, but it actually isn’t — it’s more the pose of the rejected lover, the one who needs to hang on, but cannot acknowledge the pain. He absorbs and internalizes the pain of her being with other men because it allows him to remain close to her, to not see her reject him for his anger and jealousy, then drift off into the other man’s life.

So he explains that if she chooses to marry Jarek, he will agree to it, even though he knows she wants him to say no. He says that he has no right to forbid her anything. Forbidding her freedom would mean acknowledging his own jealousy. She asks, when you caught me in bed with a boyfriend three years ago, is that why you went away. He says, yes.

And he says he tried to justify his jealousy by reminding himself that no father likes to think of his daughter as sleeping with other men. She then reminds him that he isn’t her father … he replies, maybe your mother was wrong.

They both seem to agree at this point that women have an intuition about this, which leads Michal to ask if Anka has ever been pregnant. She responds yes, last year.

We’re only about halfway through this critical conversation. But the key point of it has already been raised — what Anka is seeking in her relationship with Michal is a piercing of that calm demeanor, the placid smile that permits her to do as she pleases. She wants him to show passion for her, to care about what she does, even if it means restricting her freedom.

A child often cannot break free of parental influence until they have the opportunity to stand up for their self determination, to reject the parent’s heavy hand. A parent that provides nothing but care and support for a child may push them into a state of permanent dependence … or in the extreme case of this story … longing.